Why Am I Just now Reading This?

It is an extrememely rare moment at my house. So rare I am almost afraid to breath, or even type this sentence in fear that the moment will end. Both boys are asleep. Will at last another 30 minutes? Another 30 seconds? I will soon find out...

I was just sitting down to read Gone With the Wind, when I thought about my blog that has not been updated in awhile (a product of opposite nap schedules). And so I decided to take a moment to share how wonderful Gone With the Wind is. I keep asking myself why I waited so long to read it. Yes, it is long, but length has not deterred me before. I read all 800-something pages of Breaking Dawn in a weekend, though that is a slightly quicker read.

My good friend in high school always claimed GWTW was her favorite book. My best friend in elementary school made me watch the 5 hour movie, which as an eight year old I claimed was "disturbing". My mom has read all the sequels and prequels (but never the actual book), and I watched the movie again with my dear friend and college roommate when we were the only girls on the entire grounds of UVA not doing rush week. That to say, I have been wanting/avoiding reading it for years and I finally decided to dig in. I am only about 1/4 of the way through, but I sincerely look forward to sitting down with it. I have an ongoing battle for my oh so small personal time (to read or to knit) but I have to confess that since I started GWTW reading has won out. The descriptions of Atlanta and the old South are beautiful, Scarlett O'Hara is a character you love to hate, and I also feel like I am getting another education on the Civil War.

If you need a good read, this is a must! And its one of those books that looks good on your shelf and sounds good to say you read. Oh and if there is still anyone else out there who, like me, is completely and morally opposed to the Kindle, you may find it a bit heavy and hard to read in bed, but I assure you its worth the trouble.

Because Oprah Isn't the Only One...

...who gets to name her favorite things, here is a list of some of my current faves.

1. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert- I have been meaning to read this for years, I finally started and its quite a treat!

2. Black and White Mochas-Because a girl cannot live on plain coffee alone

3. Gilmore Girls- Got the first 2 seasons on DVD for Christmas. Everyone needs some fast paced witty banter and what better place to escape to than Stars Hollow?

4. Lornas Laces-love love love the super soft delicious yarn. I just made a really easy fun scarf with it.

5. Trader Joes Belgian Chocolate Covered Almonds- yum. yum. yum.

6. Gelyfish nailpolish- Amazing. You have to get it done at a salon and it takes a little longer than a normal manicure because the polish is gel and each layer has to dry. But your manicure lasts 2 weeks!

7. Keurig Coffee Maker- Life changing. I now don't have to spend so much time rinsing out the coffee pot, cleaning out the grounds, measuring, scooping and all for 1-2 cups of coffee. Now I just push a button and presto!...My life is changed.

8. Kohl's- Went for the first time today and realized I have been missing out. There is a great toy section that Noah could play in while I got $120 worth of clothes for $60 on the clearance rack.

9. Katy Perry-the candy of the music world and a total guilty pleasure. Like sugar I don't want to admit how much I like her. Her songs are trashy but completely addicting and fun.

To Be or Not to Be Myself

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a women's conference at my church where Lysa Terkuerst was the speaker. Though she said many wonderful things, most of which I have yet to proccess, one thing stands out to me today and that is this "Your self worth as a mother is not defined by the fragile choices of your children". This is a good thing to remember when your child is 2 and throwing public tantrums as I am sure it is also comforting when your children are adults and making decisions that you as a parent may not be excited about.

Something I have been realizing since college is how much we as women compare ourselves to each other. We are so hard on ourselves and so hard on other women.

In high school I compared my looks, athletic abilities and church involvement to that of my friends who peers who I perceived to "have it all together" in those departments. In college I added my diet, exercise, and grades to that list. I have also always struggled with feeling like I am not particularly good at anything and have no skills or talents that make me special.

By the grace of God I am breaking free from some of those struggles, but now as a young mom I have found of whole new world of comparisons to engage in. For me comparing always ends up in me feeling "not good enough" up against any and every one else.

I think that as moms we often perceive that all the other moms have it together and we do not. Some days when I haven't showered in a 48 hrs and my clothes are baggy and covered in spit up, I see a skinny mom in a stylish outfit and perfect hair and that alone is enough to make me feel like a failure. Other days it is the amount of TV watching I allow, type of food my kid eats (or doesn't eat), disciplining tactics, and how well my 2 year old shares. Let me just say that if you place your self worth in the way a 2 year old shares, most days you are going to feel pretty lousy.

In my mind that has been so tainted by the lies of this world, I often think that in order to be the mom who has it all together I need to exercise, have a clean and organized house, cook organic meals, read my bible, shower, have perfect hair, make-up and clothes and perfectly behaved kids who have had an equal balance of nurturing, independence, and stimulation (not including tv) -and that all in one day!
That is a lot of pressure to put on myself. Who made up those rules? When am I supposed to be with my kids just enjoying them if I am trying to do all those things? When am I supposed to have time to do things that I enjoy or that make me feel alive? Why am I putting pressure on myself to be something I don't even really want to be at the end of the day?
When I look back at my childhood I remember that my mom sat on the floor and played with me. I remember that I ate fruit loops and watched some TV and I was happy. I also managed to graduate from high school and college and have a pretty good life despite the fact that I ate refined sugar and watched Nick Jr. and TGIF. What I want my kids to remember about me is that I loved them, cared for them, supported them and believed in them. And as far as I know none of that includes me having a perfect hair day and floors that I can see my reflection in.
When my kids are gone and I look back on my mothering days, I want to remember the moments, good and bad, I shared with my kids. Not how good I was compared to the other moms I knew.
My hope for myself is that I can stop comparing. That I can be confident in God's help and leadership as we are raising His children. That I can believe that good designed me perfectly for my kids and their needs and I don't need to be like anyone else but myself.
Even if that means I don't look perfect while doing it.

Want to Do List

In no particular order and not comprehensive

1. Knit a blanket

2. Get a tattoo

3. Finish all of Jane Austen's novels

4. Learn to play the cello

5. Sew a quilt

6. Sleep til 10 am

7. Finish reading all the books I own and haven't read

To Don't List

I was inspired recently by a chapter in a book a read where the author talked about her list of things she does and her list of things she doesn't do. I found it so refreshing, both to hear that there are other women like me out there who can't do it "all" and are not only admitting it, but coming to terms with the fact that they don't want to and thats ok.

Here is a list of things I don't do and often make myself feel guilty about. But the bottom line is, I don't want to do them and I am not going to do them. There are so many ways that I would rather spend my time.

I don't run (see previous post on running). You will not spot me running ever-unless I am being chased.

I do not shop, eat, and cook organically. I read an article once that if you only change over to 5 organic foods they should include apples, lettuce, eggs, milk and something else I don't remember. There is no lettuce eating in this family and I am allergic to apples, so organic milk and eggs are as far as my commitment goes . Don't get me wrong, I love a trip to Trader Joes every now and then, but by no means does a fear of high fructose corn syrup and non organic-ness shape my existence.

I do not spend time and energy trying to have the perfect body or see my high school weight on the scale again. Lets face it-when you are 15 and have no boobs, have never bore a child and are forced to play a sport for your school you are going to be a bit skinnier than you are once you are nearing 30 (ouch!), have had 2 kids and count the fact that you don't sit down between the hours of 6am and 8pm as sufficient exercise.

Motherhood has opened a whole new can of guilt worms. So many things that sound so good in theory, but I just aint gonna do 'em...

I do not cloth diaper. To do this one must scrape poop off of the said diaper into the toilet and then wash those diapers. Enough said.

I do not make my own baby food. Yes I own that fancy food processor/vegetable steamer thing and yes it's still in the box. I prefer the 5 for $5 deal at Harris Teeter.

I do not run pushing a giant jogging stroller with 2 babies in it. (See previous post on running).

I hope that I will never be chased while pushing it or we will all be in trouble.

Ok thats enough for now. Maybe tomorrow I will make the list of things I do, or things I want to do...like sleep more.

Does anyone want to share what you do NOT do?

Thank You

Today I feel weighed down by the pain surrounding me. This world is broken and scary and sometimes that reality seems even more overwhelming
Two of my dearest friends are approaching the 2nd anniversary of the death of their infant son. My 23 year old brother just mourned the first anniversary of the death of one of his close college friends. Two women in my MOPS group at church, one who is my age, were widowed this fall and are now single moms to young children. Two other dear girlfriends are individually dealing with the daily emotions and trials of having mothers who are very ill or in chronic pain and have been in that place for years and years with no relief.
The list goes on and on, I had to stop myself from listing examples of the very real pain that is all around...and that is just in my small community.
It is situations like this that have caused me to question my faith more than anything over the past couple of years. In my younger years the pain was distant. It was the friend of a friend of a friend or someone on the news. It was easy to quote verses about how God will never give you more than you can handle or how he has perfect plans that won't harm us. Now it is people I know and love. The friends I spent carefree days with in high school now dealing with the tragedies of losing children and watching parents suffer. Its hard for me to believe that God is good all the time. Sometimes it seems impossible to me that he has a plan, and that he can turn evil and hurt and suffering into something beautiful and new. Faith is no longer an easy thing for me to come by, and that makes me understand why God refers to it as "childlike". But I guess that's the point. It's not easy, its not even difficult, its impossible.
I think having your child die in your arms, watching you mom suffer in pain, loosing your baby to a miscarriage, and being a single mom at 26 are all things that are too hard for us to handle on our own. However, in these peoples lives, I have seen God do beautiful things. I have seen real life stories of redemption and beauty from ashes unfold. I have seen people walk through fires that I fear would end my faith and come out stronger and closer to God because of them. I have seen first hand the extra measure of grace that God gives his children to sustain them through the pain that this earth brings. We cannot handle these things on our own, we aren't meant to. I can rarely even handle the memory or thought of them.
However, it is these people that God has put in my life who have shown me that Christ alone is the one that comforts and sustains us in the darkest of nights. My faith is challenged, my trust in God falters, I stop believing his promises are true when those around me are suffering, when this world and its darkness seem bigger than Christ and His light.
But examples of his goodness are all around me, reminding me that feelings and fears are not truth. Suffering and pain are real and we can use theology and philosophy all day to explain why God allows bad things to happen to his people. Those explanations may sound nice (or not), but they usually don't bring me any comfort. What comforts me is seeing the hope and strength that God has given my friends, the trust and faith that he has rooted in them, and love for him that is being refined by the fires of this world.

Thank you Mary, Meade, Meg, Catherine, Hunter, Susan, Emma, and Hannah