To Be or Not to Be Myself

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending a women's conference at my church where Lysa Terkuerst was the speaker. Though she said many wonderful things, most of which I have yet to proccess, one thing stands out to me today and that is this "Your self worth as a mother is not defined by the fragile choices of your children". This is a good thing to remember when your child is 2 and throwing public tantrums as I am sure it is also comforting when your children are adults and making decisions that you as a parent may not be excited about.

Something I have been realizing since college is how much we as women compare ourselves to each other. We are so hard on ourselves and so hard on other women.

In high school I compared my looks, athletic abilities and church involvement to that of my friends who peers who I perceived to "have it all together" in those departments. In college I added my diet, exercise, and grades to that list. I have also always struggled with feeling like I am not particularly good at anything and have no skills or talents that make me special.

By the grace of God I am breaking free from some of those struggles, but now as a young mom I have found of whole new world of comparisons to engage in. For me comparing always ends up in me feeling "not good enough" up against any and every one else.

I think that as moms we often perceive that all the other moms have it together and we do not. Some days when I haven't showered in a 48 hrs and my clothes are baggy and covered in spit up, I see a skinny mom in a stylish outfit and perfect hair and that alone is enough to make me feel like a failure. Other days it is the amount of TV watching I allow, type of food my kid eats (or doesn't eat), disciplining tactics, and how well my 2 year old shares. Let me just say that if you place your self worth in the way a 2 year old shares, most days you are going to feel pretty lousy.

In my mind that has been so tainted by the lies of this world, I often think that in order to be the mom who has it all together I need to exercise, have a clean and organized house, cook organic meals, read my bible, shower, have perfect hair, make-up and clothes and perfectly behaved kids who have had an equal balance of nurturing, independence, and stimulation (not including tv) -and that all in one day!
That is a lot of pressure to put on myself. Who made up those rules? When am I supposed to be with my kids just enjoying them if I am trying to do all those things? When am I supposed to have time to do things that I enjoy or that make me feel alive? Why am I putting pressure on myself to be something I don't even really want to be at the end of the day?
When I look back at my childhood I remember that my mom sat on the floor and played with me. I remember that I ate fruit loops and watched some TV and I was happy. I also managed to graduate from high school and college and have a pretty good life despite the fact that I ate refined sugar and watched Nick Jr. and TGIF. What I want my kids to remember about me is that I loved them, cared for them, supported them and believed in them. And as far as I know none of that includes me having a perfect hair day and floors that I can see my reflection in.
When my kids are gone and I look back on my mothering days, I want to remember the moments, good and bad, I shared with my kids. Not how good I was compared to the other moms I knew.
My hope for myself is that I can stop comparing. That I can be confident in God's help and leadership as we are raising His children. That I can believe that good designed me perfectly for my kids and their needs and I don't need to be like anyone else but myself.
Even if that means I don't look perfect while doing it.