Often, the Voice Inside My Head tells me that I am a bad person because I do not run. Yes, I know this is very sad and lame, but it is true. I have non-runner girl guilt. Maybe its because I feel like I am the only person I know who doesn't take pleasure in pounding the pavement for hours on end or running races at the crack of dawn. Instead, when I run all I can think about is how my butt and thighs are jiggling, my chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it, everything hurts, and I should have worn a 3rd sports bra because the two I am wearing just aren't cutting it. I am also quite sure that I am one of those people who when you pass on the road you think to yourself. 'that poor girl is struggling, she should really take a break!'. These are the very things I was contemplating today when I went on a walk, sans Noah, and decided to try jogging a little.
This is quite the change from my former running self, and if my former self only knew that my present self would become this way, she would have refused to believe it. I used to be one of those crazy (or disciplined) people who woke up at 630 am to go on an 8 mile run before my college classes. But I never ran out of a passion for running, only an obsession with myself. Running was not something I loved or enjoyed but something I did because I "HAD" to. When I finally broke free from that I was able to see that I loathed running and instead thoroughly enjoyed walking. When I walk I can think, pray, look around, breathe and actually enjoy life while simeltaneously getting some exercise. For me, there is no guilt associated with walking, except for the recent realization that I am not running.
"I should run 1/2 marathons" I think to myself when I look around and see that pretty much everyone I know on the face of the earth has run at least 1 or 2 and is currently training for a marathon or triathalon or ironman. But once again, what is driving me to do this is not the love of running, but the belief that being able to run long distances makes me a better person. The thought that if I run I will be skinny, and the lie that being skinny means being happy. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone else out there who does not run. Then I wonder if there is anyone else out there who really hates to run but thinks they have to because everyone else does or because that's how you stay "in shape", the p.c. phrase for skinny.
If you run and you love it I admire you. I think that's really cool. But me, I need to learn to be ok with 'just walking'. I need to stay true to myself and not let the competitive side of me take over. I am not in a competition with my friends or with women in general. I am not running a race to exercise the most, run the fastest, be the fittest, or look the best-even though the world will tell me otherwise. If I hate to run than I should not run. If one day I wake up and have the urge to run, whether that be for 30 seconds or for 30 miles than that is when I should run. But for right now I will take nice long walks, wearing only one sports bra and enjoying my surroundings without feeling and looking like I'm at death's door. So if there are any walkers out there, here's to you! We are no less than runners, just different and slower.
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I have loved reading your posts, especially the past 2 (I caught up tonight :)). I love how you so adeptly pointed out a huge tendency of women's "guilt running" in our society. I confess, I do feel that, and have not been honest with myself about it--but I'm telling you, it's there. You do a great job making light of it, but also painting a very poignant reality in our world :).
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you. I started running because for a couple different reasons, but one of them being "gosh, EVERYONE else is running!". For now, I do enjoy it and it is a good and free way to get exercise :) But I hope that if I find that I don't enjoy it, I can just release it and not feel pressure to do it because it is the trendy thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI think there are women built to be runners and women built to do other forms of exercise. I am quite sure busty women like us who require 3 sports bras to keep "the girls" from bruising our faces when we run truly do not have the body type for running. So enjoy your meditative walks which is much more beneficial to the mental and physical health of a young mom. Clearly the results of these walks has made you "skinnier and happier and healthier" because you are enjoying yourself.
ReplyDeleteactually that was my Mom above using my computer!
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